lately i have been in a very contemplative state of mind. Ive been thinking about friendships, relationships, seeing the Christ in others on a daily basis, and how these things form our expectations of others. I wonder often how I place these things on other people, and am I expecting too much out of people. I know a lot of times in my marriage i find myself expecting my husband to "just know" what I need or even what needs to be done. I find that often i do a very bad job of communicating my needs and for some reason EXPECT others to just know whats in my head. Worst of all, I get upset when others don't meet the expectations I have placed on them and they don't even know I have the expectation in the first place.
i blogged a bit ago about how my fulfillment should always come from the Lord, and as I grow closer to Him I am finding that alot of the reason I don't have friends is that my expectations for them to be the prefect friend, often get in the way of true friendship. I expect them to get invited to every event. i expect them to know what hurts my feelings, and when my feelings are hurt, i expect them to know that they did it. I have noticed over the last year that i have lost several friends, and often bc I just didn't communicate my expectations to them the way I should. Or i waited until i had been hurt time and time again, and then EXPLODED in a sea of anger and harshness, that was really uncalled for. I ask myself...if Jesus had been standing there next to me, what would He have instructed me to do with those feelings????
i think He would have expected to me forgive ( what is it 70x70 times). He would have expected to keep my expectations in check, and that even if my feelings were truly hurt..to let that person still see His glory through me. I have done a horrible job of that this month. HORRIBLE. Yes, i know we are only human, but aren't the people i explode upon only human too?? aren't the people that i have these ridiculous expectations on only human too?? why do i have this sense of entitlement that people should just know what does or does not hurt my feelings?? where did this come from?
I an truly humbled by a certain group of friends that have loved me despite my erratic behavior. They have truly shown me the Christ in them, and have reminded me of what i need to let others see in me. they are not perfect, and i am learning to except that about our imperfect human nature. I am learning to have manageable and meetable expectations, not just with my friends, but with my children, my husband, and myself. i have set reasonable goals for all of us and I can only hope that the people I have hurt can forgive me for my actions. I love learning with Christ's gentle guiding hand beside me...i find that learning through his guidance doesn't hurt or require as much pain as it does when I try to do it myself.
THAT took me a long time to learn.
This is very beautiful and the beginning of a lesson we all need to learn- to be patient with ourselves and with others, life is hard, developing virtue is hard work, and loving others in spite of their blind areas or human weakness is exactly the basis of how Jesus saves us- and this is love, not that we loved Him, but that while we were still sinners He died for us. Patience in love, perseverance as a friend these are high and holy callings. And you can consider yourself greatly graced to have had this revealed to you while you are young- it will make your life very sweet as this priceless fruit matures!
ReplyDeleteWe are all children of God & we will go through life sometimes being hurt & also sometimes hurting others, but forgiveness & understanding is what I believe God would want from the wonderful, diverse group of people He created! I have never stopped thinking you are a wonderful person inside & out Claire regardless of our past tiff(s). And even if we never speak again, just remember that I don't believe what went down with us was ever meant to intentionally harm anyone & I only wish it could have been handled by both parties differently. They are kids (both of them) & kids sometimes do crazy & unexplainable things, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve understanding & forgiveness. I wish you & your family the best in life & wish I could have personally said goodbye to you as I am back in MN. I will miss you & your family Claire! I hope that one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me as I have already forgiven you. With love.....
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