expectations

lately i have been in a very contemplative state of mind. Ive been thinking about friendships, relationships, seeing the Christ in others on a daily basis, and how these things form our expectations of others. I wonder often how I place these things on other people, and am I expecting too much out of people. I know a lot of times in my marriage i find myself expecting my husband to "just know" what I need or even what needs to be done. I find that often i do a very bad job of communicating my needs and for some reason EXPECT others to just know whats in my head. Worst of all, I get upset when others don't meet the expectations I have placed on them and they don't even know I have the expectation in the first place.

i blogged a bit ago about how my fulfillment should always come from the Lord, and as I grow closer to Him I am finding that alot of the reason I don't have friends is that my expectations for them to be the prefect friend, often get in the way of true friendship. I expect them to get invited to every event. i expect them to know what hurts my feelings, and when my feelings are hurt, i expect them to know that they did it. I have noticed over the last year that i have lost several friends, and often bc I just didn't communicate my expectations to them the way I should. Or i waited until i had been hurt time and time again, and then EXPLODED in a sea of anger and harshness, that was really uncalled for. I ask myself...if Jesus had been standing there next to me, what would He have instructed me to do with those feelings????

i think He would have expected to me forgive ( what is it 70x70 times). He would have expected to keep my expectations in check, and that even if my feelings were truly hurt..to let that person still see His glory through me. I have done a horrible job of that this month. HORRIBLE. Yes, i know we are only human, but aren't the people i explode upon only human too?? aren't the people that i have these ridiculous expectations on only human too?? why do i have this sense of entitlement that people should just know what does or does not hurt my feelings?? where did this come from?

I an truly humbled by a certain group of friends that have loved me despite my erratic behavior. They have truly shown me the Christ in them, and have reminded me of what i need to let others see in me. they are not perfect, and i am learning to except that about our imperfect human nature. I am learning to have manageable and meetable expectations, not just with my friends, but with my children, my husband, and myself. i have set reasonable goals for all of us and I can only hope that the people I have hurt can forgive me for my actions. I love learning with Christ's gentle guiding hand beside me...i find that learning through his guidance doesn't hurt or require as much pain as it does when I try to do it myself.

THAT took me a long time to learn.

Feast of the Immaculate Conception 2011

I have been trying for MONTHS now to mamage to get a FEAST DAY actually celebrated in my house. Advent has been ok...we are trying...

I did manage to orgainze and plan for the Feast of the Immaculate Conception...just a few things we did.
During our monring prayer, we prayed/sang 3 extra Hail Marys, and the "Ave Maria". We also ate blueberry scones and blueberry smoothies for breakfast in honor of Mary. We have so much fun!!!

Hope your feast day was Blessed, and as lovely as ours was!!!

ok Lord, I hear you...

LOUD AND CLEAR....

I am so blessed with AMAZING, CATHOLIC women in my life. I have been so uplifted, encouraged, humbled, and astounded at what the Lord has revealed to me this week. I know I have a purpose in this life, and I feel ready to tackle it...head on. ( Lord, please keep me motivated to you your will)

I have, for a while now, felt a general withdrawal from the secular world. I wasn't sure why at first, but slowly over time, God has revealed to me a new path in my life. I have always believed that the Lord, knew my passions, and He knew my wants, but this is the first time I have felt him moving me towards something I have a passion for. I am so thankful for so many reasons.

First, I am thankful that he always knows exactly what I need. He knew I need to withdraw a bit from how I was living my life in order to truly hear Him speaking to me. He knew that I needed to nurture my Catholic friendships as this would guide me closer to Him, and join my will to His. He knew that this would take time, which it has because I am truly stubborn. He also knew I wouldn't have listened if I had the distraction of " social media" keeping me back.

Second, I am EVERLASTINGLY thankful for all the little( OK maybe they aren't little) dots along my journey in this life. There have been years of wondering what all the trials, tribulations, joys and sorrows have been for , and I feel now that He is LIVING in my heart, they all have purpose. They have meaning. They have a voice, and its a voice that He is calling me to share with others. I truly feel grateful for each and every one of them, and I didn't know this feeling was possible. I know they have ALL been part of His eternal plan for me, and completely understand how He wants me to use them.

Third, I am thankful these experiences all GLORIFY the Lord. They, simply put, testify to God's almighty plan for each person in this world...if we choose to live it. I am humbled that the Lord trusted me with these experiences that I can now turn around and use them to GLORIFY HIS HOLY NAME!!!

Finally, i am grateful for God's unwavering love for me, this imperfect human. I am honored that He sent His only Son so that I could live eternally in His loving arms...

I ask for your prayers as I embark on what I'm sure will be an amazing journey... and ask only for encouragement along the way.

A path set before me...

for a while now i have had this feeling that God is calling me to work in the Pro-life movement. It comes in subtle whispers. I notice myself reading alot of books about Natural Family Planning (NFP). I am friends with an amazing teacher of NFP in the Charlotte area, who has given me amazing encouragement and points of contact. Through my own journey of trying to conceive, I have learned so much about the human body, and the truly incredible gift of life. Being able to create with my husband and God, these amazing little people has been one of the best experiences of my life. I know that some aren't as blessed to have getting pregnant come easily. My parents struggled for years before turning to adoption, for which I am eternally grateful.

I have been researching and debating on which method to become a teacher of NFP, as there are several choices. My biggest fears are not having the time to commit with 3 small children at home. Will I get the chance to truly touch the lives of couples in the amazing way? Will i be the saving grace for a marriage that could be falling apart from infertility? Do i want to take on that role in other peoples lives? Will i even be good at it? While I do have a passion for it, I worry that like most projects i set out to do, Ill give up too easily. Do i have the means to get the necessary training required to teach?

I know the need it great, as I read stories everyday about women struggling to conceive, and it truly hurts my heart. I want to help couples. I want to serve the Lord to the best of my ability. I don't know what I am capable of, only God knows that. I know that if this is something He is truly calling me to do then He will light my path...I have to place my passion and desires in His hands each day. I love this lesson because it applies so much to the process of having a baby. Babies are gifts from above. A perfect image of the DIVINE CREATOR of all life. I am thankful for the loving hand of the Lord in this endeavor. I am thankful for my Catholic faith so as to have a TRUE understanding of the sanctity of life. I am thankful for my wonderful, God given husband who encourages me and truly helps guide my soul to heaven by serving the Lord. I ask for your prayers for my path to be well lit, and easy to follow...

The " Tooth Fairy" Diaries

Max lost his first tooth today, November 12, 2011.  He was so excited, and even let us help encourage it out by letting us wiggle it too! We did end up giving it a decent tug at the end to finally get it out, since it had been ready to come out for days and was driving Max crazy. We definitely were excited that the tooth fairy now gets to start visiting our house.

I have very fond memories of the tooth fairy from my childhood, as does Mike. My mother actually still has all my baby teeth in a bag, which I find a wee bit creepy. Mike and I wanted to make sure Max has this fond memory as well...so we have been playing up the tooth fairy all week, in anticipation for his tooth falling out. He was so excited, and his little face lit up every time we talked about it. I am so excited to go put a quarter under his pillow. hopefully, he will remember to look under his head in the morning!!!

I cant believe how much he has grown up in 5 years. I remember his sweet chubby little face running around at 8 months old, and it seems like an eternity since then. I am truly learning to cherish each moment with my babies, as this milestone has really struck the sentimental chord in my heart. Time really flies!

Bella's first "real" movie experience

Mike and I decided, after much deliberation, to take Bella to a movie for her 2nd birthday coming up. We went to see "Puss in Boots" mostly because she LOVES Shreck...or at least loves to carry the movie box around with her everywhere she goes. We had a great time as a family, and we really enjoyed the movie, although our children didn't understand most of the humor, they did enjoy the colors and characters on the screen!

While we did have a good time, I'm reminded of the reasons we just don't go to the movies. First, its EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE!! I wont say how much we spent, but for most people it was probably equivalent to a tank of gas. Second, trying to get our kids to sit still that long is a challenge. Isabella did very well for not quite being 2, but it did take both Mike and I distracting her more than once to get her back into her chair and quiet. Third, we did notice that some of the content in the movie was a bit inappropriate even for our kids who wouldn't really get it. I find that most animated movies that we screen these days are very inappropriate and we wouldn't think to bring our kids to them. Lastly, we were EXHAUSTED!!!! I wanted to enjoy the movie too, but trying to hold down the fort was quite the task, even as well behaved as the kids were.

I do believe next time we will just wait for the red box and the comfort of our own home!!!

the hanidcap button

we made an attempt at daily mass today BC I was having a hard time giving my anxiety back to the Lord about our finances. I was fully prepared for the difficult time I have been having with Isabella approaching 2, but was confident that with a new drawing pad doddle thing ( that's the technical term) on my phone, that Max would sit quietly. We arrived on time ( amazing), and got a seat in the back row so as not to disrupt everyone with our ups and downs. I handed the phone to Max, and told him to sit quietly so mommy could pray. About 7-8 minutes into mass, aka the homily, I had to take Bells out to stand between the two sets of doors at the back of the church. She was getting into everything, I mean everything...someone had left their umbrella out there...she BROKE IT! She knocked over the Mary statue as well...All I needed was 30 MINUTES with the LORD, 30 MINUTES...i was not going to get it this morning. A few minutes later, Max came RUNNING out to tell me my phone was ringing, at the TOP of his lungs. I instructed him to go sit down, the consecration was coming up and he needed to let other people pray. Skip through the 3 other times he came out to me in the next 5 minutes to the MIDDLE of the most important part of Mass...when I had insisted Max just sit with me in the back...to the handicap doors FLYING OPEN with all their swooshing glory as if we needed EVERYONE to know we were back there...i was mortified...MORTIFIED!!! I gave up and took the kids outside to just sit so I could regain control of myself.  I just needed 30 MINUTES...to sit and have receive the Lord's grace for my worry/anxiety...30 MINUTES!!!

i guess the Lord knew my heart was in the right place BC we got word today of some GREAT financial news, and I also had 2 random phone calls for MARY KAY and sold $100 worth of product!!! Thank you Lord, for rewarding my diligence even if it didn't come to fruition! I could definitely look back and smile on today!!

My Stance...

First, read this article...
http://dailycaller.com/2011/08/01/obama-administration-approves-no-cost-birth-control-including-morning-after-pill/

Now...I WILL NOT PAY FOR OTHER WOMEN TO HAVE ABORTIONS, AND I WILL NOT CONTRIBUTE OR BE FORCED TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE MURDER OF INNOCENT CHILDREN.

Why cant we put this much time and effort in teaching abstinence? Does it not also deserve its fair share of the spot light, instead of convincing women that their only options are some form of Birth control...I AM LIVID! I am quoting directly from the Planned Parent website

Abstinence at a Glance

• A behavior that prevents pregnancy
• Prevents sexually transmitted infection
• Safe, easy, and convenient

SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM??? The problem is that Planned Parenthood makes no money if people are abstinent. They wouldn't be able to advertise or promote things like "Susan G. Komen" or the pro-choice/pro-abortion movement. The corrupt relationship between these 2 organizations is for another blog for sure.

I cant believe that women really buy this nonsense. Do we, as women, take the time to understand exactly what birth control does? It tricks our body into being in a "constant" state of pregnancy, so that your ovaries don't release eggs. If an egg happens to get through, and is fertilized, your uterus is already a toxic environment so the egg wont implant, therefore causing spontaneous abortions in THOUSANDS of women every month. YOU COULD BE ABORTING A BABY EVERY MONTH AND NOT KNOW IT. As a Catholic, I believe that life begins at the moment of conception. For those of you who don't, I ask you this question: At what point did your son, daughter, sister, brother, mom, dad, aunt, uncle or cousin become a person in the womb???? If you don't believe that this TINY, Microscopic cell, that creates every organ in the body from itself, isn't a person the moment it starts dividing and multiplying...then when does it become your mom/dad, sister/brother...or when did YOU BECOME YOU?????

I am outraged that my tax dollars are the reason that the government feels they can MANDATE companies to give FREE BIRTH CONTROL ( BC if YOU aren't paying for it, I am) to their employees. This statement INFURIATES ME....

“Currently, nearly one in three women finds it difficult to pay for birth control, and that’s why the United States has a far higher unintended-pregnancy rate than other industrialized countries. Making family-planning services available at no cost will help millions of women prevent unintended pregnancy and thereby reduce the need for abortion.”

Read more: http://dailycaller.com/2011/08/01/obama-administration-approves-no-cost-birth-control-including-morning-after-pill/#ixzz1cnAPrkA8

Teaching women how their bodies work will prevent millions of unplanned pregnancies and reduce the need for abortions. We have such a high un-intended pregnancy rate BC we don't care enough about our youth or how God designed sex to be used. We aren't teaching our children that waiting until you are married is one of the most PRECIOUS gifts we can give to our spouse. TO be able to say: "I am untouched and save myself for you, even before I knew you" is exactly how sex inside of marriage was deemed by God to be. We find our society pulling us down this path of destruction instead of teaching responsibility. Instead of teaching men that women are gifts from the Lord, and are to cherished we are teaching them that we are objects to lust after, and if there is an unplanned pregnancy, well don't worry, we have a pill for that.

The Planned Parenthood site go on further to say that abstinence...

• has no medical or hormonal side effects
• is free

Women and men abstain from sex play for many reasons — even after they've been sexually active. A couple may even choose to be abstinent after having had sex play with each other. The reasons people choose to be abstinent may change throughout life.

People choose abstinence to

• prevent pregnancy
• prevent STDs
• wait until they're ready for a sexual relationship
• wait to find the right partner
• have fun with romantic partners without sexual involvement
• focus on school, career, or extracurricular activities
• support personal, moral, or religious beliefs and values
• get over a breakup
• heal from the death of a partner
• follow medical advice during an illness or infection

Any woman or man can abstain from sex play. Many do so at various times in their lives. Some choose to abstain from sex play for long periods in their lives.

Special Advantages for Teens Sexual relationships present risks. Abstinence is a very good way to postpone taking those risks until you are better able to handle them. Women who abstain until their 20s — and who have fewer partners in their lifetimes — may have certain health advantages over women who do not. They are less likely to get STDs. Because they are less likely to get an STD, they are also less likely to become infertile or develop cervical cancer.

Now I do have a few problems with some of this information, but for the most part its accurate. SO WHY would i put a pill into my body that keeps my body from doing something every month that God designed it to do? There is a certain flow to a women's menstrual cycle for a reason. The hormone changes during the menstrual cycle are put in place so that the body is ready to achieve pregnancy. Through abstinence if a pregnancy is not wanted by the couple...they can avoid it without having the HORRENDOUS side effects of the pill, which include but are not limited to:

bleeding between periods( BC that's what I want, more bleeding)
breast tenderness
hmmmm?)
heart attack
strokes
blot clots in the legs, lungs, and brain ( SERIOUSLY...is it worth that)


THESE ARE FATAL PEOPLE!!!!  Please call your representative, and tell this government that socialism isn't OK. Tell them that "we the people" should have a say in where our money goes...PLEASE, I BEG you to stand up for the RIGHT to life for these innocent babies. Stand up for yourself, as women, and send the message home that our bodies are to be temples of the LORD...not to be forced (free or not) to be abused in this way!!



the working mom

so honestly...

I'm dreading going to work in just a few hours. Despite the fact that I got a job an amazing company and I truly wouldn't spend time away from my kids and enjoy being anywhere else, I'm still going to miss my babies!

so in lieu of my bad spirit...I'm writing just to say a few things I am thankful for.

1.) I am thankful for my 3 beautiful gifts from God. I am thankful for being able to create with God and my husband the amazing little people they are.
2.) I am thankful for the gifts and prayers answered from the Holy Spirit in the last week.
3.) I am thankful for The Catholic Company.
4.) I am thankful to my sister and parents and Mike for helping with the kids when I cant be here. Its bad enough having to leave them but at least they are with people that love them.
5.) I am thankful to God Almighty for my husband. Despite how hard life has been, he strives everyday to put the needs of his family above the needs of himself. Somedays, that is really hard!
6.) I thankful that all 3 of my babies are sleeping soundly right now. A gift from above so that I can finish some last minute things before I head out. The Lord does know exactly what I need.


AMEN!!!

ADHD...do I even buy it??

I am sitting here writing this just as the 5 year old, who seems to have been taken over by some entity, sleeps so peacefully next to me. How can this be the same child who a few hours ago was puking from having a temper tantrum and threw a book at me??? How can these even be the same person.

I sit here writing this so that in 2 days time when we head back to the doctor, and hear the acronym ADHD, I don't blow a gasket. Do i really believe ADHD exists? Do I think its just some ridiculous thing made up by drug companies to try to test drugs out on kids? To be perfectly honest...I'm not sure what i think.

I know that I have a husband who suffers from ADD and i do mean suffers. I watch him battle his ADD every moment of everyday so that he wont have to take medicine and consequently have a label attached to him. For some reason when I look into the eyes of my child, I just don't see it.Maybe its a defense mechanism that my brain has implanted to keep me from truly accepting this diagnosis. I'm not sure. I look at his angelic sleeping face, and think what must it be like for him to live everyday being out of control....and then it HIT me like a ton of bricks....

YES, I DO BELIEVE ADHD EXISTS!!!

If i choose not to believe in it, then what do I do to help my child who just suffers everyday even when given loving, guiding, encouraging parenting. How can I help him learn to cope with something that I don't really understand, and that he might not have the intelligence yet to get? If I choose to think that its just an over diagnosis for when people don't really want to take the time to find out whats wrong with their child, or for why their child goes bonkers after being seated for 7 hours a day, then my son still lives in turmoil.

For my sons sake, I have to believe its real. I believe that we are doing whats best for him at this point. I believe that this will get better with or without medicine. I believe that I have put this off for an ENTIRE year, to the detriment of my son, because I don't want him to be labeled or to have an excuse. I believe that God has His amazing, loving hands guiding my steps and giving me strength to accept what I know is coming. I believe that i have a husband who can understand what life is like for our son, and who believes this is the right thing to do also.

I AM TERRIFIED. scared down to my core. I am worried that the meds might really have lasting effects. I am worried the medicine is going to completely change all the things i truly love about my son. I fear I wont know who he is anymore. I fear that his sweet personality will just become a lifeless shell...still trapped, but in a different way. I fear that this could be wrong...and then what do I tell him when he asks why he had to take the medicine and it didn't make him better.

oh Lord, calm my heart and help me put my trust in YOU!!

finally back to normal...if thats even possible...

I just wanted to write to thank everyone who came to help me when I was so terribly ill. I am feeling 100% better, and each day gets easier to make it to bedtime! The meals we had stored are still being used and its been such a huge relief to not have to think some days about dinner. I am back on my feet and getting more into our routine ( again, if that even exists) each day!

please know that if you EVER have an unexplained pain in your upper right quadrant....GO HAVE A DOCTOR LOOK AT IT. I suffered these episodes of what I thought was gas ( sorry about TMI) for almost 5 years. I am also one of those patients who doesn't go to the doctor bc I am always afraid of them saying " you are so silly...its really nothing"...so I NEVER Went for this particular problem. after 8 hours of writhing in pain i finally gave in and let Mike take me to the ER...i very literally couldn't take anymore pain. I then spent 6 days in the hospital (torture) and 8 days laid up in bed ( id say refreshing, but id rather do it when I'm not sick).  They removed 6 stones from my bile ducts and 14 STONES from my gallbladder, as well as removing the gallbladder itself. I have pictures, and they aren't pretty! I was one sick lady.

I was so immensely blessed during those 6 days in the hospital. I was able to receive the Eucharist and even had Fr. Voitus from St. Vincent come and pray over me and with me. I have never in my life felt more cared about for sure. I had friends bring flowers and cards of well wishes dominated my mailbox, meals upon meals in my fridge, people ran errands, and just coming to play with my children for a few hours was so appreciated.

FROM THE DEEPEST PART OF MY SOUL....THANK YOU! thank you for caring about my kids, my self, my husband and my family! Thank you for being such an incredible example of charity and selflessness. Many of you came with your own kids in tow, which is even more amazing!

I hope someday to be able to help all of you in the way you have helped me...

In Christ,

Claire and the Mayo gang

our daily prayers

I am getting in the swing of things over the last week with "school" or at least our version of it. I am enjoying the home time with the kids, and we are really enjoying our NEW home.
I recently, after taking advice from some moms I know, started posting our daily prayers and guidelines for behavior in our kitchen where we spend most of our time. I invested money in some really sweet Rosary videos and was elated when Max asked if he could watch it again ( despite that it was made in 1990...lol) I am pleased that his behavior seems to be improving since we are enforcing the rules much more consistently, and we are actively participating in each others lives. I have started reminding him about the rules which is easy since they are posted right where everyone can see them. I love that he enjoys washing the dishes, and he does a good job. I love that he is learning to do chores with a gracious and giving heart so that we can spend more time together doing fun things. I love that he has taken an interest in my day so that I can turn around and take more of an interest in his life.

I am really enjoying this time in our lives, and if you had seen me at the Schiele Museum a week ago, you might think this post is a joke! Max has really been a trying child. I am not sure whats been going on with him but Mike and I decided that we need a break from reality. We have been staying at home alot. We have been insisting he follows the rules and insisting he make the restitution when he breaks them...its working so far. We still have a long way to go, but I am thankful for the Faith I get to share with my children because its really making our home life better.

Praise Jesus!

School..oh yeah..

I was totally aiming to start "schooling" Max on Monday..yeah that didnt happen!!!

today is friday...my goal: have Monday-Friday folders organized and STUFT full of color pages, reading assignments,outdoor activites, Saint stories etc...plus we have some really great field trips coming up!!

PROCRASTINATION...GET OUT OF MY BODY!!!

Adventures in Tandem nursing

I must admit...I am loving tandem nursing.

I was really worried about how I would mange nursing both babies. I was REALLY worried Isabella would beat up Gloria. I must tell you I am shockingly surprised how well its working out. Isabella has been so great about the baby. She does get upset but only at me. She never gets upset at Gloria, and when the nurse together, Bella is ALWAYS holding Gloria's hand.

When i found out I was pregnant with Gloria, I immediately got my hands on some tandem nursing books and materials. I was pleasantly surprised to read that most tandem nursed babies actually got along very well, and there were very few jealousy issues. Now, fast forward to present day...HAVE YOU MET 2 YEAR OLD BELLA??? I seriously contemplated weaning her at 15 months. I was encouraged to wean her at 12. At 18 months, people thought I was CRAZY for nursing her with a 7 month preggo belly. I thought there was a booger on my face about 10 times a day, and then realized that people were looking at me: pregnant and nursing. Its now its own label. I did have to remove Bella from the bed at 13 months BC of constant latching, and it making me want to crawl out of my skin at night, but that is my only complaint. Most people don't know that both the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the World Health Organization RECOMMEND 2 years of breastfeeding...shoot...I've still for 2 months for that!

To be honest, I have a feeling I will eventually have to force wean Isabella. I think she would nurse FOREVER if she was allowed. Some days she nurses more that Gloria does. I do dread that day, but hopefully ( fingers crossed) she will self wean sometime next summer! In the meantime....I'M GOING TO ENJOY THE WEIGHT JUST FALLING OFF MY BODY, and loving on my babies all the time!!!

P.S.: I've lost 30+ lbs to date since Gloria was born 8 weeks ago...YAHOO!

Love that Suffers

I've been reading this book called " The Domestic Church, Room by Room" , by Donna Marie Cooper O' Boyle. The first chapter " The Foyer"  has peaked my interest for several reasons. One, its about our Most Holy mother, MARY! The model for all Christian motherhood. I love that she references the important "YES" that Mary gave God when she accepted WHOLEHEARTEDLY, and without doubt, that she would bring the Savior of the world. But what I am struck by most in this first chapter is the concept of "love that suffers". What does it mean?  Mary truly partook in every aspect of Jesus' pain and suffering. She is a mother who understands suffering. She is the new "Eve' being that she became the Mother of the whole Church at Jesus' request. We shouldn't be afraid to call on her as she knows all the pains and suffering that motherhood requires.

I also attended my monthly "mothering with grace" meeting today. The virtue of the month was hope. I feel that the chapter of my book, and this months virtue go hand and hand. I hope that I can learn to grow and emulate Mary. I hope that when my days become overwhelming, that I can remember to call upon her. I find it amazing that the same Holy Spirit that came to Mary at the Annunciation, is there for me to call upon too. DO I OFFER UP MY SUFFERING FOR THE SAKE OF LOVING MY CHILDREN THE WAY GOD HAS CALLED ME TO? I truly believe that my vocation is motherhood. Do i fulfill it to the best of my God given ability? Most days, no. Some days I come close, but fail at the end of day, usually putting my kids to bed. When my children look at me, are they seeing an image of the divine? I hope the do, but I really cant say.

I am writing this because Mike and I are having the hardest time with Max. He seems to be out of control when really...he is just doing what he sees Mike and I doing. He responds to us they way we REACT to him. Why am I not utilizing the gift I have been given the this PERFECT example of motherhood? Jesus himself was both fully man and fully God, so at some point in time he must have behaved like a toddler would. At some point in time, he must have been mischievous, and Mary must have had to discipline Him, right? There must be SOMETHING God wants all mothers to understand by having our children be toddlers, and all the other joyous phases of life! So, why then do I feel so ill equipped to deal with them? I learned alot of useful tips at my MWG meeting, and I am definitely looking forward to putting them into practice, but i still wonder...do I offer my sufferings up for the sake of love, even when I am equipped to handle whats happening? Do i truly show my children the face of Christ when i try to lead them to Him?

it something I have to work on. its something my husband has to work on. its something we can only fix with Gods loving grace and Mary's eternal hope that I too can be called to holiness in the sublime role of raising my children. Mary's holiness was rooted in her faith...that's my goal!

Gloria's Birth Story

this is ONE for the books.

I have been asked my a few people to share the story of Gloria coming into the world. I am not sure where to begin. I had been praying for weeks that she wouldn't come late for many reasons. we were up against a deadline...a BIG ONE! My official due date was July 9,2011. Mike's military contract expired July 21, 2011 at MIDNIGHT, which meant that if she was late she could only be 12 days late at the most. I love my midwife...she is the most amazing person ever, and while she had done a good job calming my fears for weeks, my due date was coming...FAST! I was beyond frustrated by the time my due date came and went...I was in pre-term labor at 33 weeks. I went to the hospital...which was a big deal since I was using a midwife, and they had to give me drugs to stop my contractions...at 33 weeks. both my midwife and I were convinced that this baby was going to come early. I didn't want to do anything that might hurt my chances of having this baby on time by prohibiting what was happening now...but we still had to make it to 36 weeks to deliver at the Birth Center.

Now, I feel the need to give a bit of history here. My first born was an agonizing 26.5 hours of hard labor with NO DRUGS. I was young, naive, and too arrogant to really do any research about birth. So i ended up with a natural, stuck in the bed, delivery...and SWORE i would never do that again. My 2nd and 3rd babies ( Max and Isabella), were both inductions with epidurals. When i got pregnant with Gloria, I was really torn as to which way I wanted to go. I knew that labor was easy with epidurals, although both Max and Bella were still long... 8-10 hours each. I felt more mature and spiritually ready to take on natural labor again, giving that it was an opportunity to offer up my suffering for the Lord. I was ecstatic when I found out that our insurance would accept the Birth Center as well. Given my history, and that this was my 4th baby...again, i was SURE she was going to be on time.

Apparently, she has other plans. I was frustrated as my due date came and went. We were charting so I was positive as to the accuracy of the EDD. I definitely understand that even with charting, THIS is still just an estimation. I was about 36 weeks along when I was informed that I was 2-3 cm and about 50% effaced. Now, I also understand that this means NOTHING in terms of when you were going to start labor, but I was truly thrilled with the fact that my body was doing SOMETHING on its own. I lived in fear that at the last minute my uterus was going to decide it didn't want to expel this baby, and literally had nightmares about it. I continued to have contractions pretty regularly for weeks, but nothing that became real labor. Nothing I did increased the intensity, or even made them come closer together. I was using a hypnobabies program in order to remain as calm as was possible during labor. I was looking forward to this experience, and wanted it to be the best it could be. I was looking forward to using the water tub and just being relaxed and in peace for the birth of this sweet baby.

Finally, as we approached 40 weeks...things really started to SLOW DOWN...yes ....slow down. The contractions stopped altogether at 40weeks 1day. well, I was exasperated. My midwife was going to be out of town the following weekend, and my body still had not changed since my checkup at 36 weeks. I was out of time. I prayed continuously for that week for Gloria to decide it was time. I sent emails upon emails asking for prayers that she would come soon, and that I wouldn't miss the insurance date and wouldn't end up being sent to the hospital ( after 42 weeks, most midwives will refer you to an OB and ultimately a hospital for delivery. I was terrified that after 8 years of healing, I was going to miss my chance of having a natural birth. I know due dates are just estimates, but I needed her out NOW. I was convinced of what my Hypnobabies CD's had been telling me for weeks..."baby are born on their birthdays, not when doctors say they are". I had a history of late babies ( my first was 42 weeks 2 days) so why was I still so unprepared for the feelings I had being "overdue"...she only had 12 days to be overdue.  The whole next week I tried everything; walking, swimming, eating spicy food, all my natural remedies...and I even began getting frustrated with my midwife who insisted on waiting until 41 weeks to try anything to augment labor...I DIDNT HAVE 41 weeks...lol! ( again, i remind you that i LOVE my midwife, and now know she KNEW exactly what she was doing)

Finally, July 16 cam around...exactly 41 weeks. I did my normal routine that day. Nothing out of the norm. Mike and I actually had a HUGE argument over something silly...aka...me being hormonal. He left for confession and Mass at about 4:00pm. I thing my contractions started about then, but they weren't really worth noting until about 5:30. I wasn't convinced it was labor so at 5:30 I made a quick call to the midwife on call, since mine was out of town...figures. She didn't answer so i decided to take a shower hoping that staying upright would keep the contractions coming. After about an hour, I called again ( 6:30 pm) and spoke to the midwife. She said I didn't really sound ready to come in since I was still fin between contracitons and that I should call her back in a bit and keep her posted. Mike was still at Mass, and I was getting worried that he wasn't going to make it home to take me to the Birth Center. I didn't notice the time but somewhere around 30 minutes later, I was no longer able to talk between contractions. I wasn't in horrible pain, but i was unable to get into my hypnobabies zone, and therefore felt everything. I am not sure why my techniques weren't working, but I feel like part of it was that I was still trying to tell myself it wasn't real. I truly couldn't bear the thought that this was still false labor and the baby still wasn't coming. From here my memory kid of fades in and out. I think sometime around 7:45 I called the midwife again, and said that I REALLY wanted to be at the birth center. Given that my other labors had been long 8-10 hours...I wasn't in any hurry, but something told me i didn't want to be at home anymore. We packed up our stuff...I used the restroom and we were in the car by 8:15...Now, during the last 30mins, my contracions had picked up and were very intense. I felt the need to stop doing something during a contraction, and only move if I had to, which did make getting to the car quite difficult.  Finally we took off about 8:15. It was a 20 min ride there so the midwife said she would meet us there in about 25 minutes. at this point i turned into the "screaming lady" i had worked 9 months on NOT becoming, but Gloria was coming. I told Mike about 10 minutes into the ride that he needed to get there and get there NOW. I was shocked when I felt like i wanted/needed to push...I tried not to but it didn't work. I was totally panicked thinking I was going to have this baby in the car. How could this happen? I worked so hard on preparing for this gentle, relaxing birth, and this was just chaos. We made it to the parking lot at 8:42 ( i know this because I texted a friend to let her know she needed to HURRY if she wanted to be there) Mike ran inside and told the midwife that I couldn't get out of the car, and I literally couldn't. She was coming and there was no stopping it. I stood up in the front passenger door way to try and get out, and was struck by an intense contraction in which i was pushing and there was nothing I could do...my water broke right there in the car. I thought " are you kidding??? she is a week late and now I'm going to have her in the car". Sometime in the next 3 minutes, the midwife, Michael and myself managed to get inside ( i left my bottoms in the care), lay down , and push once and there she was...Gloria Camille Mayulianos. In all the chaos, NO ONE LOOKED AT THE CLOCK until about 15 minutes after she came. The only reason we have a time of birth at 8:47 pm is bc the midwife's teenage daughter just happen to send a text message right when she was born and that's how we got a time.

My reflections on this day are scattered. I love that she was born naturally with no drugs, and I will do it that way again in a heartbeat. It was the most amazing birth experience ever. I prayed for the Lord to send me a content baby ( if you have ever met her big sister Bella, you will understand why I prayed for this), and that's EXACTLY what I got. Praise God, for this sweet baby. I am amazed at the skill lever of midwives. Gloria had a ton of meconium in her waters, and it was handled with ease and perfection. She never had a complication or was ever taken from my arms. She was pink, happy and BEAUTIFUL!!! I am amazed at the Lord's perfect timing...altogether labor was 3 hours 17 mins....a true gift from the Lord above. I waited an extra week, but was gifted with a labor the Lord knew I could handle. It was the type of experience that I wanted to have again. I am disappointed that I didn't get the water birth I had hoped for, but NEXT time, I'm heading into the midwife as soon as contractions start...I almost had a baby in a parking lot...at least she will have a great story to tell!!!

what do people see??

Lately, as I have been examining my life, and things I want to change, grow in, get better at etc...I asked myself this question...When people see me, do they see a Catholic??? Do I portray to others what I feel like Christ has called me to do? When people walk into my home, do they see a CATHOLIC home?

Now I definately have gotten better about caring TOO much what people think and say, but this really struck me to my core...when people see me and my family, whats the FRIST thing they think/see? I have been fortunate enough to have AMAZING CATHOLIC women in my life who truly inspire me to be a better mother, wife, and Catholic. When i am around these women I am motivated to strive for excellence in my faith because theirs is so great, and shines through in every aspect of their lives. It resonates within them, their children, their spouses, and their homes. I honestly feel as though my life as a Catholic is seriously lagging behind. I am not comparing in a jealous manner or coveting what they have...I am simply trying to immitate the exceptional example I feel Jesus is asking me to take advantage of.

Most who know me well, also know the trials we have with our son. He is a joy some days, and a bear the others. He runs hot. He runs cold, and somedays I swear he could anger the Pope himself. I often wonder..am I the ONLY parent who has a child like this. How would my other mom friends handle their child if my son was theirs?? The sigh of relief i gave when I found out we werent the ONLY parents in history to stop taking their children to church was immense. Then I wonder...why can other peoples children behave in church, and mine cant? How do other families instill proper church behavior in their kids? I am dumbfounded most mornings at church bc I sit and gaze at the array of WELL BEHAVED babes, thinking to myself, my child WOULD NEVER do that! I want a CATHOLIC approach to the solution, but Im unsure of what that is. I pray and ask for guidance. I often seek advice from others, and nothing seems to do the trick. Most days I find myself yelling and screaming at the end of the day because he has just gotten the better of me. How do I instill in him what the Lord wants me to while still keeping my sanity??

My other complaint that I am so ashamed of is that....I DONT KNOW ALOT ABOUT MY FAITH. I hardly know any of the lives of saints. I dont know alot of Catholic organizations or orders of friars to pray to. I dont know where and why the things/prayers we say during Mass come from or why we say them...I know that I do love my faith, and I am always taken aback as to the knowledge those around me have...how do you all do that? where do you find the time to gain this knowledge? I am overwhelmed as to where to start to grow or even how to begin. I know prayer has got to be first and foremost. I am getting better at working prayer time into my day with myself, and the Kids. I am going to start doing the daily readings with them, and take them to Mass at least twice a week. Im hoping for 3 days a week. I just feel that even those TINY steps will overwhelm me. I want to homeschool because I truly feel that call, but often I find myself thinking..." can I do it if I cant even get them to behave in church"...oh woe is me...

I dont mean to be such a downer. I am truly just lost. I want to be this amazing Catholic. I have dreams about the day when people look at me and say the awesome things I say about other Catholic moms I know...I worry I wont get there. I worry Ill give up on it...

I started reading this really good book called "The Catholic Home" by Meredith Gould. It an easy introduction to things I can do in my daily household that bring my faith to its center. its great. I also picked up " The Domestic Church" and " A Contintual Feast" since I love to cook.

I ask for prayers. I ask for patience, and if you do see me...some encouraging words ,maybe your story to faith...