Give and Take...

I am watching my sweet Isabella chow down on some apple peanut-butter sandwiches, I can honestly not remember the last time we had a moment just to ourselves.

She is 3 now. I remember when Bella was born, and how much she looked like her Aunt Stiney ( Krystina)!  I remember thinking to myself if it was normal for all babies to be this attached to their mothers. I remember crying, asking if I would ever get to be alone again ( which is extra funny now that she has 2 younger siblings...lol). She was not an affectionate baby.  I recall a moment when one mother said that she looked forward to when to baby would "give back" to her. I wondered what she was talking about, until I had Bella.


Bella was a taker. She latched all night long...LITERALLY!! I was a human pacifier. She didn't smile or even give you that "milk drunk" state of sleep, even after a 60 minute nursing session. There was not "letting anyone else hold her"; she didn't even let Mike hold her for any length of time until she was 18 months old.  I remember the ringing in my ears from her "talking". I vividly recall all the people that told me to just let her cry it out. That I needed to make her sleep in her own bed, or she would never learn to self soothe. I remember the comments about how long I let her nurse or how often. I remember many a night questioning whether I was really doing her harm by not FORCING her to be more independent. I prayed daily for peace for my sweet, screaming baby! I asked God to bring me comfort so that I could comfort her when she needed me!

Now I can look at her, and see her giving back to me everyday. She is my most independent child. She sleeps well, most nights, and loves to cuddle and read a book!!
She gives back in her independence. She loves to tell jokes, and kid around. She is the best big sister, and truly loves with her whole self. She dresses herself, picks out her clothes and brushes her teeth...a lot of days not having to be reminded.

I know this is because I was willing to allow her to "take" all she needed without holding it against her for being the baby she was. I know its b/c I met her emotional and physical needs to the best of my ability. I can smile now, and she smiles back! I can even make her laugh now!

 

Today, in this moment with her, SHE is exactly what I need. In this moment, she is the one filling my love tank! God truly knows exactly what we need in each moment of each day!

The Fruit of the Spirit...

MEEKNESS!

"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." Matthew 5:5

This has been something, that through journals, I have come to realize is what I have truly been struggling with since the birth of Blaise. My lack of intellect and understanding has blocked my ability to recognize the true meaning behind God-driven meekness. While I know the story of Moses, I still lacked the meaning behind what God was asking of Moses, and the example Moses was setting by accepting.

I found this description of meekness that seems to sum up where I am mentally,and spiritually:

"Godly meekness is impossible unless we first learn a just and lowly estimate of ourselves" Read more here

I spend alot of time getting frustrated at my self, and henceforth getting frustrated with my kids, at all the things I can not get done during the day. I struggle with handling all the things on my plate between homeschooling, nursing, keeping house, and the like. I find it impossible to make time for the prayer I need, and then wonder why I am such a monster all day. I am just lost with juggling 4 kids. I have not really faced this dilemma before. Up until Blaise, I always built the adjustment to having another baby up to be so much harder than it actually was. I thought maybe this time it wouldn't be so bad so maybe I didn't prepare as much as I should have. Then I looked back at some journals from my pregnancy and just after Blaise was born...AND IT HIT ME!

Everything I wrote about was all about how I cant do this or how I cant do that. Their was nothing in there about what God might be asking of me, or what my answer to God's request was. There was nothing in there about me relying on God to provide my words or actions needed during my day. No reference to Him speaking through me to my children, or the example of Jesus I was setting for them.

Meekness...

Moses was never sure he could do what God was asking of him or that the people would follow him, but that did not stop him from accepting what God asked. He relenquished the fear of being rejected just as Jesus did.  He knew that God would help him overcome his human limitations. While I know that God can fulfill the holes in my human weakness, I am often unwilling to accept what he asks of me. I battle everyday with thinking " I have to do it all" or " WHY cant I do it all?" I must work harder to realize that I will NEVER be able to do it all, but God can do it all through me. How can I teach this to my children without living this myself? How can I be an example to the world, as Moses was, if I am so unwilling to accept the path set before me? I fear rejection, judgement from others, making the wrong choice, and being made fun of. I seriously do, EVERYDAY! Yet, these are the exact things God can change in me to help me be a shining light for His Kingdom!!!! These are the things, that if I would get out of God's way, could allow me to impact the lives of my children, and those around me...

MEEKNESS...

Matthew 11:29

            "Take your yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle, and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Im BAACCCKKK!!!!

So its been 361 days since I last posted on my blog. I am not sure how to even put into words what the last year has been like for my family. Its been a true blessing, although it has required a willingness to look past the surface suffering.

Lets start with the best news....WE WELCOMED A NEW BABY BOY!! Blaise Augustine Mayulianos was born November 27, 2012 at 9:04am. He is just the sweetest new blessing to our family. It has been harder for me to adjust than the kids, as they are all THRILLED with the arrival of a new brother. God has truly answered a lot of prayers through the gift of this new little one.

Max turned 6 this year. He has been homeschooling since August. It can be such an adventure with him. Most days he does great, but can be unwilling when tasks become hard or boring. We are working out the kinks in our system.  He loves to read, and is getting very good at recognizing his letters. We have been working on numbers 10-100, and he is making great progress.

Isabella turned 3 just after Thanksgiving. She is just so sweet. Despite her nickname being "MISERABELLA"...most days she is a joy to watch grow and learn. She LOVES to draw and color. She is a very attentive big sister, and loves being a snuggler to Blaise. She too is learning alot right along with Max .  I love her full head of CURLY hair...she has FINALLY got some hair to brush. She reminds me alot of Mike in temperament, as she can be just a stubborn little thing when learning new skills. She has a deep set desire to learn her own way, and for that I am thankful!

Gloria turned 1 in July. My sweet summer baby! She is going up too fast. She loves to climb and get into all sorts of trouble just like Max did at her age.  She has the gap in her front teeth just like Mike. She too is FINALLY getting some hair although not much to those who don't see her everyday!  She has such a spunk about her. As she approaches 18 months, she is definitely asserting her independence. She has learned alot few words including "mommy, daddy, and chicken". She also loves to sing the "Happy Birthday" song.

Our family has had a rough ending to 2012. We have learned how to trust God in all we do. We have relented in our own desires for the betterment of each other. We have sacrificed, cried, laughed, and loved more than, I think, we all though needed or possible. It has been a huge learning opportunity for me as a parent, wife, and child and of God. It has not all been good. There were quite a few valleys to trudge out of, but having learned to look to God first, made the peaks even more sweet. I am amazed at the strength my family has, and just how willing we are to sacrifice for all. The kids included. Their sweet souls have shown me more about the true love of our Father, and I am so thankful ( most days :)) for all they continue to show me.

Bring it on 2013.... WE ARE READY!!!